Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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North Korea grants asylum for Snowden

Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.
Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.

SEOUL, Republic of Korea – In response to a formal application for asylum on behalf of Edward Snowden, Kim Jong-un issued a statement offering the whistleblower not just asylum, but full North Korean citizenship. Snowden and his entourage, staffed mostly by WikiLeaks employees, were ecstatic at the news of a safe haven after 14 other countries had denied their applications.

“The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea promises to allow Edward Snowden to continue to leak anything he wants. We will provide him with many of the best top-secret hacking tools available in North Korea,” said a representative from the North Korean military.

“We are just so relieved that Snowden has finally found friendly shores,” said Glen Greenwild, the reporter who famously interviewed Edward Snowden in a Hong Kong hotel.

Snowden issued a statement written in Spanish, thanking North Korea for their commitment to freedom.

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Terrorist Edward Snowden May Walk Free

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CHRONICLE.SU– NSA whisteblower Edward Snowden betrayed fellow Americans by revealing critical national secrets to our fascist enemies.

HONG KONG– You may already know the dubious tale of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the anti-American ex-NSA contractor-turned-defector who recently leaked valuable national secrets to our enemies.

But what you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland Communist China.

Although Hong Kong is part of a “one country, two systems” situation, China can veto extradition requests, contradicting the extradition treaty the weak government of Hong Kong has held – since 1997 – after the city was returned to the totalitarian regime with which Snowden is now aligned.

From behind the Great Firewall of China, Snowden hopes to be whisked away by Chinese authorities who may “press” him for precious national security tips, but not before growing famous enough to garner public support for his supposedly “heroic” acts of anti-American aggression against innocent Americans.

A toxic ideology of reverse “patriotism” is now spreading which led Private Bradley Manning, whom Snowden called a “whistleblower . . . inspired by the public good,” to publicly reveal military secrets to our enemies.

Snowden, a master of exploiting legal loopholes, roots around in a broken Communist system of asylum-seeking perpetuity.

He buys time for himself, moving between hotels, racking up exorbitant room service bills with total disregard for the Americans whose national security he’s thrown to the wind.

CIA agents voraciously track Snowden through back alleys of Hong Kong. May God be with our brave soldiers, and may He have mercy on our souls.

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FEMA CAMPS ACTIVATE AS MILITIA GROUPS ASSEMBLE IN WAKE OF NSA SURVEILLANCE DEBACLE

Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.
Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.

WASHINGTON – Floods of concerned citizens around the nation are reporting the same chilling story: Convoys of military and paramilitary forces are arriving at Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) camps, which are capable of indefinitely interning a large proportion of American citizens. Militia groups have reportedly assembled in downtown Grand Rapids, N.D., at the Citadel patriot community in Benewah County, Idaho, and at least a hundred public spaces across the nation. Hundreds of protesters have gathered outside of the entrance to the access road leading to the deep-underground FEMA Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center. It is unclear whether this is a response to activation of FEMA camps, or if the FEMA camps activated in response to the assembly of these militias, who are likening themselves to an armed Occupy movement.

A spokesperson for the OccupyMilitia, as the spontaneous militarized protest movement has been dubbed, said, “We don’t want death or violence. We just want an end to totalitarian Internet surveillance, and we know from watching the Occupy protests that we need to be armed if we want to be heard.”

Citizens around the nation wait with bated breath as the inevitable conflict approaches, and for some the story has become too much to handle.

“We’ve had several suicides related to this NSA wiretap story,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Mercy Hospital in Cuthbert, Ga. “More are coming in by the hour as these FEMA stories spread. People are certain they will soon be sent to their death in these camps, especially those who already believe Obama is the Antichrist.”