Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

Categories
Society Technology

Online Gamers Constitute 90 Percent of World's Racists

If you’re like many folks, and you believe that because Barack Obama is the President there is no racism, The Elf Wax Times has news for you!

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Most Americans think we’ve “outgrown” racism or that there’s no place for it. “Racism went out with slavery, at the same time or maybe before,” said Elf Wax Staff Historian Grit Banks. However, online personal attack debates continue on the PlayStation(TM) Network(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

“I don’t hate all Black People,” said one gamer who asked to remain anonymous. “I just hate the ones who act black.” Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying than a night of intense, but rewarding gaming only to be the final kill, followed up by “Shit son, your bitch-ass got dapped, PECKAWOOD!”

Racists are like pretty bad. But eRacism is a widely accepted forum for Hate favored by racists on all sides of the equation, giving credibility to the idea self-critical human history has long regarded as barbaric. In addition, reports can be filed on these gamers directly to Sony, giving the Hatemongers an extra special title for achieving what was once thought impossible: the Offense! title is granted to any player who successfully offends or verbally assaults a gamer into reporting him.

Crosstika
Coveted Emblem from genocide simulator Modern Warfare 2

“It’s a highly sought-after symbol of Hate,” said gamer [KKK]String__em__up, “Surpassing the power of the inverted crucifix and even the Swastika.” This effect is achieved by combining an animation of the two.

While online gamers number in the millions, actual racists account merely for a small percentage, roughly sixty five percent.

As a solution for the ongoing crisis of eRacism, Sony executives are hitting at the implementation of possible eLynchings. The service would be free, but only as long as the victim “really deserved it.”

“I’m gonna use it on one a them towelheads that hate our Freedom,” said one patriotic American who asked not to be named.

It’s thought by some that eRacists, along with Internet Tough Guys, are “all talk” and “got no bark to match the bite.” However eRacists, when provoked, never back down from an eChallenge and will cuss you out to the better end, proving their strength.

Only time will tell whether the eLynchings will produce favorable results. In the meantime, only headshots do the talking.

eLynch now with your friends!

Categories
Science Technology

Space station gets new "chill room"

Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.

Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception.  The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.

Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"
Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"

“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”

The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”

Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess.  “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous.  The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”

Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten.  Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.

Categories
News Politics Technology World

North Korean weapon vessel turns around, "left the stove on"

Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1
Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1

North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.

“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”

A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.

This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.

With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.

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