Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Science Technology

Space station gets new "chill room"

Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.

Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception.  The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.

Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"
Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"

“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”

The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”

Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess.  “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous.  The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”

Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten.  Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.

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News Politics Technology World

North Korean weapon vessel turns around, "left the stove on"

Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1
Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1

North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.

“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”

A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.

This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.

With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.

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Obituaries Science Technology World

Intelligent Design to End Life on Earth

All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year.  A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.

A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life.  Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.

By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.

The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.

Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.

Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.