NEED TO KNOW: The Modern Survival-list

TERROR ON THE HOMEFRONT – LOCAL HERO LARRY CECIL ADVISES ALL AMERICANS TO PURCHASE AS MANY WEAPONS AS POSSIBLE AND TO IGNORE ALL REQUESTS BY THE ATF, WHO HAVE JUST BEEN LABELED A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION.

VIDEO FOOTAGE EXPOSES PENTAGON MURDER COVER-UP

This isn’t our job. Why aren’t you doing it? Cover this shit on your own so we can get back to satire, please.