Tag: china

Categories
Health Status Quo

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Categories
News World

China pirates self


In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a “Lars Ulrichy” stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, “Big whiny pussies.”

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese “Hong Kong’s-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead” knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country’s methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State’s underlying systems of internal exchange.

“One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes,” said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. “In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented.”

China is available for download on Apple’s iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.

Categories
Entertainment Society World

ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN


Guangdong, Cn.–Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a “game” known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users “1500 affection”, a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet’s willingness to do what one says. Pets are “captured” for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of “SidorooloFrom” generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don’t really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, “STRAT GAME” in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.