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Haiti before the earthquake

I haven’t visited the Elf Wax control panel in so long, my cookies didn’t “remember me.”

So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.

And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******

I wonder who she voted for?

So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t  come to us.

The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.

And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.

The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.

What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.

A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fir
A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fire
Before the earthquake, Haitians live under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to put it back up.
Before the earthquake, Haitians lived under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to pin it back up.

Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.
Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.
Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat (and then eat it)
Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat to some Voodoo god (and then eat it)

—–

Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.

So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.

Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.

Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?

That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.

We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.

Back to Coast to Coast AM:

We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”

Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann
Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann

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News Politics Technology World

North Korean weapon vessel turns around, "left the stove on"

Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1
Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1

North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.

“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”

A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.

This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.

With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.

Refresh this page to learn the results of tonight’s American Idol ballots.

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News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism World

AL QAEDA LEADER IN IRAQ NOT CAPTURED

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.The man suspected to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq was found snoozing in a house in the Northern city of Mosul. The man confessed to being the owner of the long, unpronounceable name shown above but the military has yet to confirm whether or not he’s a lying sack of shit. There’s a chance that these men are trained to lie about their rank in order to throw off our forces, but that’s why they’re working on figuring out exactly who he is. There is a bounty on his head for $5 million so if they wanted to save time figuring out whether or not he’s the man, a guard could check on him periodically from outside the cage to see if there is shit all down the backs of his legs.More as this story develops.

Elf Wax Update [Editor’s Edition]: I was right.

BAGHDAD — “We can confirm that we do not have al-Masri in custody,”Major Peggy Kageleiry,U.S.forces spokeswoman said today in an e-mail.Yes, that’s right, she sent out an e-mail.Sources say it was sent through the popular social networking site, MySpace, a Rupert Murdoch company.

You heard it yourselves.The $5 million man was not caught yesterday and what’s more is that U.S. forces believe he may have already been killed – twice – in the last two years, first during a raid on al-Anbar in October 2006 and later in the town of Taji on May 1, 2007 so it should come as no surprise, then, that they thought he was captured yesterday.Elf Wax Times Military Analcyst Harry Woodcock estimates that al-Masri will be “bombed, exploded, shot three times, and re-captured twice before 2010,” but Woodcock then warned that the man will remain “at large”.Military officials hail al-Masri’s resilience as “commendable” and are elevating him to the legendary status of Terror itself (the entity at whichAmericais indefinitely at war).In an Elf Waxclusive Interview, Major Kageleiry baldly stated:

“Despite being killed twice and now captured, al-Masri is still out there, like Terror, a creepin’ and a crawlin’, and a lurkin’ through Google Earth to learn the street patterns of America’s homeland subdivisions, so that Charlie may more effectively bring this War on Terror—I mean Freedom—no wait, I mean Terror, yeah, into your own back yard.You’re gonna edit that out, right?We’ll PATRIOT Act your ass!”

Until every terrorist leader, subordinate and grunt who may succeed his slaughtered Commanding Officer is eradicated, the War will continue unabated, or until someone realizes that shooting into the darkness at Specters is a waste of time, energy, morale and resources, and not to mention a failure in the application of logic to the art of war.It makes a country look pretty fucking dumb when it loses to itself in a war against nobody, standing out in the desert, swatting at invisible enemies before finally falling on its ass like a helpless drunk.But don’t blame the soldiers, those tough motherfuckers can’t help that their leaders are guided by tunnel-vision and fluked reasoning.Still, history has shown us that even a moron can successfully engage in war.Only a true fool, then, could take the most powerful military in the world and with it, break its master nation, the homeland, down into a nervously bumbling, on-edge State ofFearand Loathing.

This son of a bitching fuck-up in hasty judgment over al-Masri is just one more example of how this shit is allowed to go on.Either way, the message that leaks through the mass media looks like this:“We got a terrorist, oh wait, no we don’t, Terror’s still alive, we must keep fighting!” or “We captured a terrorist!The War on Terror is working, people.Remain complacent,America.The government is in control.”

When will you bastards learn to think for yourselves…?God in Heaven, save the Earth and bring on the Nukes, but leaveChinaout of this.All they know how to do is poison food.No, we need to Nuke something more poisonous, more dangerous, more contrary to human existence.BombIceland.

This is the War on Terror and expect more of it, Dear Readers, because our economy is not yet at its knees, no it’s only been whipped into a slump for now, but give it time and all that overhead swatting will finally throw us off-balance.Then we’ll really have a reason for war.The hungry will rise up, and challenge the guardians of what last little bit gas is left; gas that is now set to hit $4.00 by summertime (thank the gas companies for using the war as an excuse for added inflation).That will happen in your back yard, becauseAmerica is smartly, or perhaps not-so-smartly hording what will eventually be the last of the gas.So naturally, the safest place on earth at that time will be any small island, whichever is farthest from that crude shit.

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.