Month: April 2008

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News Politics Society Sports Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

You heard it here first!
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Health Law News Politics Science Society Special Interest

Canine Study Links Marijuana, Cognitive Ability


The newest findings in Cannabis research have yielded surprising, counter-intuitive results. Scientists have recently found the effect of Marijuana smoke on canine subjects leads to a startling rise in cognitive abilities. Some canines were even able to parse together Semi-English sentences, but rarely spoke of anything other than being “Rotally Razed.” The major rise in cognitive ability was displayed by the canines’ developed ability to solve simple mysteries, which did not occur in test subjects who were not dosed with Cannabis. The dogs proved especially good at solving what appear to be “paranormal” mysteries. The thoroughly-baked test subjects would meander around pointlessly as if unaware of the task at hand, only at the last minute to stumble across some catalyst that would unwind any mystery that still remained.
Scientific testing in this subject was spurned on by a recent incident that took place at O’Hare intergalactic airport. An over-zealous drug-sniffing dog, Scoobert “Scooby” Doo, devoured a traveler’s marijuana supply, and then ran off wildly, in search of Scooby Snacks. Crashing headlong into a group of generic terrorists who had already passed through security screening, the dog revealed their evil plot and saved the day.

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Health News Special Interest Uncontrollable Patriotism

False Liberty Fries Know their Place

“False Liberty Fries know their place-gorging your fat face”
Pop these suckers in your oven while you think of doing the same to the French bastards who invented them. Eat them all in one sitting, it’s a free country. Fry them in oil if you’re a real American, and let them get done right so the fuckers really get drenched in that delicious trans-fatty digestion nightmare. Jesus may have died for your sins, but False Liberty Fries died for your stomach. Who the fuck cares about sins anyway, when you have False Liberty Fries.