Category: Obituaries

Another one bites the dust

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Obituaries Science Technology World

Intelligent Design to End Life on Earth

All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year.  A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.

A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life.  Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.

By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.

The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.

Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.

Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.

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Entertainment Obituaries

Peter Pan Dies of Drug Overdose

Peter Pan, the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson, died today from an accidental drug overdose.  Notorious for molestation accusations and his love of painkillers, Pan has received unprecedented  media attention. America’s poor Internet infrastructure was unable to keep up with demand for pictures, videos, and music of the acclaimed molester and Amazon has already sold out their entire supply of his albums. Cable television has been playing videos of his former life as a pop star non-stop frustrating the silent majority of non-fans.

Neverland is in turmoil today as the lost boys wonder who will spike their drinks with wine and hold their hands while they sleep.  Given the immortality bestowed upon the inhabitants of Neverland, and the magic nature of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust, some are wondering how Peter Pan could have possibly died.  “It’s beyond my ability to estimate how many painkillers Peter must have gobbled to have died like that, I mean, my crew can literally drink gallons of rum and hardly get a buzz, much less a liver disease. This Neverland place is great!” commented Captain Hook, notorious Somali Pirate turned failed child murderer.

In the past, Pan has had legal difficulties when he was unable to pay a $100,000 pharmacy bill after a two week binge on painkillers. Charges have not been filed, but his personal doctor is under investigation.

Some conspiracy theorists have noted that the CIA targeted Pan out with a electromagnetic death ray satellite. This has been corroborated by the defunct Soviet Union’s intelligence, and may explain how he was able to die in Neverland.  We urge our readers to take this version of events very seriously and without a single grain of salt. Painkillers or pain rays, the true heart of this conspiracy remains completely unquestionable.

Our rival news source, What Does it Mean, reports that this outright assassination was a plot to silence Pan from announcing a major genocide in his upcoming tour of London. This genocide is a plot by the US government which intends to spread the swine flu in order to infect us with an even more deadly “vaccine.” The motive for our government to do such a thing still remains unclear, but Barack Obama is considered by most racists to be the likeliest candidate for Anti-Christ in the past year.

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Obituaries

Area Man Fatally Bludgeoned With Baseball Bat

CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the victim described him as “rude as Hell” and having habitually foul breath.


UPDATE: Authorities are believed to have the murder suspect in custody after a short search of the Cahulawassee River area. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie, 31, is being held without bond in the Calhoun County jail on charges of aggrevated assault and murder.

A recent photo shows Abercrombie with the alleged murder weapon.

Abercrombie, according to court records, is a local blue-collar worker who also goes by the nickname, “Mud”, not to be confused with “Bill,” “Jack,” “Pete,” or “Dennis.” From interrogation, police have uncovered information leading them to believe that the suspect and victim were, in fact, friends who earlier had gotten into a heated dispute over Abercrombie’s patent shoes. At the time of arrest, police also found the alleged murder weapon, a Wal-Mart® brand aluminum baseball bat. Accordingly to Georgia state law, Abercrombie is presumed guilty until proven actually guilty. He is expected to be in Calhoun County court on April 20th, 1993.