Category: Special Interest

These are not regular interests

Categories
Local Special Interest Technology

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

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Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

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Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

Categories
Fashion News Society Trolling

#GropeCrew “trolls” A-Kon Anime Convention

#GropeCrew has highlighted the tense and predatory sexual atmosphere at Nerd Conventions.
#GropeCrew has highlighted the tense and predatory sexual atmosphere at Nerd Conventions.

DALLAS — A group of dedicated trolls have taken to the Twitter hashtag #GropeCrew, expressing their desire to fondle women in skimpy anime costumes at the A-Kon anime convention. Sexual harassment and assault at similar conventions has been a topic of recent outrage and discussion, and some conventions like DEF CON have gone as far as issuing “yellow cards” as warnings to harassers.

These types of conventions are a haunting ground of sex-deprived nerds, who swarm in the thousands to meet so-called “booth babes,” or hypersexualized women in costumes who inhabit the dangerous intersection between childish sexual fantasies and anime fandom. Groping, harassment and even sexual assault are extremely common at conventions like A-Kon; and despite the tongue-in-cheek tone of #GropeCrew, the targeting of specific booth babes has hit a raw nerve.

“I’m tired of being eye-raped by teenage nerds every time I dress up as a sexy cartoon character,” said one anonymous booth babe. “I’m thinking of sitting out the next convention. This year has been a paranoid nightmare since the Grope Crew tweeted my picture.”

Supporters of the #GropeCrew say that they’re merely highlighting a problem that needs to be addressed, while most others seem to believe the atmosphere of sexual conflict at the A-Kon convention has only become more negatively charged because of their antics.

Categories
Local Special Interest

Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team

NOVATO, CALIF. (2-7-2012) – An anonymous internet user going by the name of OP released the bank account numbers, Social Security Numbers, phone numbers and addresses of a massive number of Novato residents Saturday.

CHRONICLE.SU URGENT UPDATE: (2-6-2013)

An anonymous caller phoned in a tip that he is “free now” and intends to “finish” what he “started” one year ago, challenging all preconceptions OP is a fag. Listen to the bone-chilling telephone call here.

The individual, who seemingly appeared out of the blue, addressed the anonymous website as his “crew,” using rhyming language.

Rumors are circulating that the information passed down originated from an accomplished hacker group comprised of remnants of LulzSec.

As leaks poured out, anonymous internet users suspected they might be credit cards, but later determined the leaked information was bank account numbers issued by Westamerica Bank, a local bank of California which issues ten digit account numbers like are found in the leaks, or “dox,” the term sometimes used for the disclosure of sensitive information.

Hello /b/
Do you remember me?
Infamous I was
Fucking shit up, causing quite the buzz
I belonged to a team
With a hacker like theme
Now I’m lurking here
For a crew thats top tier
I have a plan thats 4 years in the making
And soon we’ll have what’s ours for the taking

A handful of brave or reckless individuals logged into the bank website using the details.

Others signed up for accounts using the credit information, immediately followed by declarations of deletion of virtual machines, as well as paranoia fueled incineration of their hard drives.

Another user asked, “what did they do to you OP? Seriously, not the whole fucking town could have wronged you.”

“OP” refers to the “original poster,” who has acknowledged the extreme likelihood of going to prison as a result of his or her actions.

After some investigation, it was determined OP’s identity might possibly have something to do with Jack Briner who, in 1997, used stolen lists of information from his former bank of employment for use at Westmerica Bank. Google results reveal Jack Briner is teaching economics to the upcoming best-and-brightest of San Jose.

OP was particularly inclined to call out an individual by the name of Jim Greenway, whose SSN was referenced repeatedly and explicitly. OP added, “the rest and greenway shall pay.”

UPDATE: Jim Greenway is a bank branch manager.

After posting the 25th batch of account numbers, OP quipped, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team,” spawning a meme which, as time goes on, will likely gain notoriety with its obscurity.

Also, there was a four hour countdown. At zero hour, this happened:

greenway is gone
i have set us up the bomb
time to say goodbye
as i too shall die