Category: Special Interest

These are not regular interests

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Don't live a sham. Know the truth, with EvoCam

Since the dawn of time, paranoid delusional people have been denied the opportunity to dodge reality and dive into the upward-spiraling colossus of a self-feeding reward system of worry. But now we can, with EvoCam.

Combining the award-winning prestige of the highly adaptive miniature video camera with the competence of your common desktop or laptop computer, EvoCam facilitates the most sophisticated and most customizable round-the-clock video surveillance lockdown mankind has seen since the inception of Wal-Mart.

Suspicious of your roommates sneaking in while you’re away? Just switch on the EvoCam as you’re heading out the door! Or better yet, leave it on all day!

Watch footage of yourself playing computer games, or watching a movie. Re-live past experiences!

Ladies, want to catch your man masturbating to porn on the internet when he could be fucking you instead?

Schizophrenics, do you want to prove that all those people talking to you are really there?

Get registered with EvoCam online and have your video footage sent first to an underground EvoCam headquarters where it is reviewed, filtered, condensed, archived, unarchived, and then rearchived again in a form of encryption so advanced that even EvoCam scientists can’t undo what’s been done! Then, it will be emailed to you in ten separate pieces, which you can then plug into a separate downloadable add-on program attachment to have them reunscrambled and mailed to you within 6-8 weeks. All the while you can stew and perculate, let the paranoia fester until it is sparking grease onto your inner chest cavity. This is how you know EvoCam is working.

Now, wait for it. Did you hear that pop? That’s EvoCam inside your head, recording itself through your eyes as it records you. It even knows you just read this sentence! This is so you can be absolutely sure, without one per cent of a doubt, that it is indeed YOUR EvoCam recording you, and not that of a strange elite hacker for delta Geplin 7 beaming images of you and your forbidden loved ones and your secrets back to his porndorm at your local engineering university.

Help EvoCam become you.
Become EvoCam today!

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Reporters Fired Worldwide

Elf Wax Tech Watch is a new segment in which technological trends are examined in depth. Today’s article is how “virtual literacy” relates to the now dead newspaper industry.

Technological change has widely shut down newspapers for the past decade, and today the last paid reporter has punched his clock for the last time. Nobody has reported a word on the issue, but the blogosphere is rampant with rumors and speculation of what actually has just happened. Among most bloggers, the consensus is that youTube is far more effective at spreading news than text. Stupidly, this statement was made on textual blogs, which are next in line after newspapers for total extinction.

The pseudo-literacy of youTubers is obvious in a quick scan of any video’s comments. Has literacy, like the watch, been replaced by new devices? Sure, no one carries pointless watches, because cell phones keep the time and do other things too. They record what happens, transfer it around the place, and with a camera it takes the least of human effort. YouTube might be the newest kind of literacy, because who needs writing when there’s a video of what just happened? Skip the explanation, no time for that in the modern world. Let’s see the police brutality caught on tape.

At some point, the only vestiges of literacy will be txt spk, an abbreviated form of English almost without vowels. In future high schools, students will read Moby Dick on their cell phones in a summarized and abbreviated form. Rather than writing a book report, they will youTube their reflections and leave their classmates taunting and barely-intelligible cmnts.

Their will be one glorious moment in our future where humans no longer have to communicate for themselves and computers will automatically perform all necessary communications so as not to burden the puny human brain. Computers are already set to do all the heavy-lifting for society, soon they’ll do the communicating, so now it’s just time to teach them to flip burgers and cut hair.

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Entertainment News Science Special Interest Technology Uncontrollable Patriotism World

A message from Alpha Centauri

Following a recent governmental lapse in Truth, a scrambled message has been intercepted and somewhat decoded. The communication details an alien overthrow of humanity. Elf Wax analysts were able to decipher certain parts of speech and published them. The translation, in its original form follows:

I am from Alpha Centauri, a star of dead rocks.
I am from another dimension. Another time.
You have lived too long. Your bad vibrations are polluting our air waves.
It’s time now. It’s time to burn. We’ll burn you and your sons’ sons. And then we’ll burn up the sun.
With hungry eyes, we’re looking at you lucky few.