General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador
The whole point of it is to keepAmericain the throes of its State-Issued Nervous Breakdown of 2008, not too dissimilar from its counteraction to the Summer of Love forty years prior, except this time instead of Love there was Fear and nobody in particular is at the wheel of this negative driving force.
Of course, that means for you there is something like one hundred thousand reasons to hide from your own government because technology is being used against us as a means for control.The Feds don’t show up at your house for nothing, no they appear because they’ve been watching your activity.They know what you download and know more about what you upload, so watch yourself.Images, words, video, information, a war on knowledge itself is being waged against not only Americans but humanity and what is forbidden is a regional delicacy, much like snails in France and cats in China.It all tastes bitter, though.
Sometimes all I really want from you fuckers is the ability to piece together a reasoning thought, but you can’t really do that, can you?No, that’s why you voted for Bush the second time around—because you’re an unthinking peon of the servant masses who is so easily swayed by the messages mass media is shoving down your throats that maybe you think it tastes good to act in favor of what the “adults” are doing.Well, I’ve got news for you kids, bad fucking news (but what does that mean? Good news is news too, right? Yeah, get a grip you tool) and it’s about some shit you aren’t willing to understand; think about this election right now.Really think about what the candidates mean to you.What’s the difference in John McCain and Barack Obama, and why aren’t people making more jokes about these losers?Is it because the political machine has managed to elude even the highest form of humor?Is this the Bible Incarnate?Far from it, but it may still yet be a signal of the apocalypse, if you consider the implications of any of these political jokers and compare it to your own basis for reason, which may or may not hinge on the conditional truth of a Sunday Hour Fairy Tale, brought to you by the Southern Baptists and Pedophile Catholics.This just in, you’re a whore.
So what do they mean to us, Galloway?Enlighten your readers.Well, that choice is yours.Wal-Mart or K-Mart?Sheetz or the WaWa?Constriction, or the Illusion of Freedom?Forget the Republican.People are sick of the GOP.If he gets elected, well we can go ahead and prepare for the freezing over of the Old Testament realization of Hell and settle in for a long Nuclear Winter.Buy canned spinach.So now you have a choice between someone who’s going to baldly lie to your face because you expect a little “politicking” from your elected leader (that’s how you know they’re doing their damn jobs), or someone who is going to lead you down a dead-end path of contrived forced progressivism.The choice is yours.Most of you have already voted.My sources are telling me you voted as I knew you would, and for your own sake probably should, so at this point I can only offer my apologies on behalf of the system that has failed us all again.If I had anything to do with it, you can bet your ass I’d write a very loud-mouthed bill that would not even be considered for a legitimate proposal and subsequent vote before the House or Congress – but we all know that as an institution they too have failed us and the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches are so out of whack that the poison is visibly oozing from them – internet porn rings, pedophilia, whorehouses, gay bathhouses – all part of the Washington Routine that you read about every week in the Post.But fuck pretending to be the president for your own crippled speculation. Oh, what the Hell, if I were president, I’d deactivate the nationally accredited police force and let the cannibals, thieves, dope fiends, degenerates, plane hijackers, murderers, rapists, junkies, and local state representatives pick your fucking bones clean because I despise you as a people, as a nation, as a fifty-year-old man sucking on his mother’s tits, because you’re a failure of an overweight Nation and you’re even a failure as a complacent people, and you’re a failure as a society, and you need to be brought down off that fucking high horse you’ve been trouncing around on since you discovered higher levels of consciousness behind the peel-off-and-win Burger King cup.
Getting back to my point:I loathe your existence.Your presence is poison.But here you’ll always be, populating this Fair Country, nodding in agreement to Dr. Phil and Judge Joe Brown, wishing more people were like Oprah, and guffawing at the atrocities CNN occasionally shows taking place in countries like Sudan and North Korea only to forget about it when your chunky butterball wife pulls another burned pot roast out of the oven in hopes that it makes your dick just hard enough to slide into her arid, sticky vagina long enough to deposit your Pepsi-ridden seed before falling flaccid at the sudden awareness of what you truly are in that orgasmic moment of painful, anus-itching realization that life, and indeed control over your life snuck away when you weren’t looking.
But either candidate can and indefinitely will ensure continuance of the aforementioned lifestyle.So go on.Fear and Ignorance is on the ticket. Vote for it.