Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Categories
Entertainment News

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.

Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side

In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
  1. Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
  2. Internet predation
  3. Learning
  4. Discussion of current events
  5. Discussion of painful past events
  6. Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
  7. Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
  8. Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.
Categories
Science Special Interest Technology

FEAR 960 AM BROADCASTS UFO SIGHTING VIA DIRECT NASA FEED THROUGH LOCAL AFFILIATE "THE HATE HOLE"


Just what it says. Get with the program.

New things are happening. Don’t use your real information. Don’t worry about me. What’s there will eventually be pushed into obscurity. I will delete this article once it finds a happy position on the front page.

And once hosting is launched, I will go on a crusade, bringing all of these domains together under wicked underground hosting like you don’t even understand. Say goodbye to the confines of censorship and ambiguous intellectual property rights. I’ll get the software like we talked about, and streamline it all. It’ll take hours upon hours consuming days that will turn into weeks of toil and effort. But it’ll be worth it. A modem is on its way. Our video keeps being deleted by copyright laws. That will stop, too, based on my new and improved fair use policy, in which everything goes that’s arguably legal and fair – we don’t have to suffer just because you do.

In the meantime, I present to you:

Categories
Religion Science Special Interest

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.