YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.
For the past several months, Dan K.(whose last name is unknown but certainly begins with ‘K’) has been missing from the vicinity, leaving friends to consider social alternatives. Although no details are known of his mysterious departure, local residents are no doubt thrilled, and rightfully so, to learn of K.’s safe return.
Friend of the EW Times (and, of course, Dan. K), Travis Parcha, 23, had nothing but kind words to offer. “It’s [nice to him see doing] pretty good stuff [with his life].” Parcha then commented on the character of Mr. K. “[He’s] not seedy at all.”
Parcha, seen here, the last time he enjoyed quality time with Dan K.
Acquaintances agree that Dan should be around town for at least a few months, if not longer. In the event that he disappears again unexpectedly, Yourtown citizens can rest easy, knowing that they can always consort with Sherman Wag, a distant cousin of K. who’s really only fun to hang out with in large doses.
Gaia Online has suffered extreme hyperinflation in the past weeks, as the value of gold plummeted. The crux of Gaia’s economy is a steady flow of art-themed posting. Poetry, photography, and art of all kind and quality are equally rewarded. Through time, however, the quality of this art has completely degenerated beyond the point of recognition. For a minor amount of gold, a fraction of a fraction of what one needs to ‘buy’ accessories for their avatar, one user may copy-paste a Wikipedia article into the “non-fiction” category, or perhaps write a paragraph about their abusive families. Webcam photos of things in people’s computer rooms are also a major source of Gaia’s artwork.
Because the value of artwork has bottomed out, Gaia has begun coercing its users into posting even more worthless art to boost the economy. The fact is, that if a computer program were to continuously pick photos from google images, apply an Andy Warhol filter, and post it on Gaia, only to randomly give away all the gold it made, this whole system might be streamlined. Why should human beings post worthless art, when computers are so much more efficient at it?
People like speshelshell22 could continue to comment “i love pop art it looks good,” if they felt inclined, or this system could also be replaced by computer automation.
I will leave you with a poem from Gaia, written by xX_HyperSkittlez_Xx.
While it is not written directly about the state of art in Gaia, I think it’s apt.
youre walkin’ into town
then on your face there is a frown
its diarriayou try to poop it out
but you cant so you just pout
stupid diarria
no one knows how to spell it
so everyone just guesses it
diarria
you are in walmart
when you try and fart
uh oh
THERES A FREAKIN GLOB OF CRAP IN MY PANTS!!! WTF IS WRONG!!!!!! I FEEL ICKY
so you sweep it with a broom
when your in the bathroom
that diarria
you enter into a stall
then you give it your all
uuuurrrrrrrggggg
then you try to flush it down
but all it does is go around
diarria
The Chinese have denied the existence of a recent video released showing the vicious beatings of Tibetans by what appear to be a small Chinese police force. In their defense, a Chinese official proudly stated that because the video was posted over YouTube, a web service that has been officially banned since 2008, they never saw it, it doesn’t exist, and as far as they care, whatever video that happens to be floating around out there is simply pro-Tibet propaganda determined to tarnish the the central Chinese government’s consistent track record displaying its ability to cover up an obvious total crackdown on all unofficial states of mind.
Outside source Walter Sobchack told Elf Wax reporters it was in fact a matter of “unchecked aggression,” saying, “The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, YOU DO NOT-” Sobchack interrupted himself to iterate that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, requesting reporters and his bowling partner to use the politically correct, updated term, “Asian American, please.”
A Chinese government official was quoted as saying, “The Dalai Lama group is used to fabricating lies to deceive the international community.” The unnamed speaker for the Chinese police-state said he had personally gathered evidence with far-reaching implications in the future dynamics of religion and politics as he went on to complain of yo’ mama jokes which the Dalai Lama and others had made in regards to her weight and intelligence. “Every joke contains a kernel of truth,” he cited, and so the jokes were later proven by the state with photographic and anecdotal evidence to be largely untrue. He said, “she has never tripped over any phone, cordless or otherwise, even when we had telegraph wire lying in the floor of the opium dens.” The Chinese Secretary of Defense Chi Gong was once recorded wearing a wire complimenting [unnamed spokesperson]’s yellow raincoat which he said, “neither made people call out taxi, nor prevented her from hailing one, as our state transportation department cab service is fair, balanced and justified regarding its decisions of who, and who not, to pick up when selecting fares, even in the cases of these vicious beatings, which did not happen, the Tibetans were provided with a prompt, free taxi service to a Tibetan shrine deep into the Earth’s crust.” However, there was already such public outcry against the Dalai Lama’s earlier mama jokes from prior months that, by this time, the Tibetan spiritual and political leader was exiled indefinitely from Tibet by Chinese authorities. So unlike actual Chinese-Tibetan Buddhist monks, the Dalai Lama protests safely from Dharamshala, India.
In a backstage interview, an unnamed Chinese actor said he portrayed a security guard whose role in the filming of the anti-Chinese propaganda video was to pretend to beat, choke and kick people tied up with mock zip-ties. “For a group of people who have released all worldly possessions, they sure are attached to their land; we want to show the world just how attached they are,” he said. “Hey, you guys wanna go eat some Chinese after this?” In an interview with an actual Chinese security guard who requested that he not be named, lest the heavy hand of Communism wipe his existence out entirely, said that if what happened in the video were to have actually taken place, “The idea would be to get them acquainted with beatings, captivity and general harassment methods and try to open them up to the idea that staying here isn’t going to be the peaceful, meditative experience they thought they’d live the rest of their lives out to be.” He continued, “What they tell you in the pamphlets and the brochures about this place, whatever it is, it can’t be true. We are constantly beating and torturing these people. Abducting them, interrogating them and locking them away in our prisons. With all the beatings, I really don’t think it’s a very suitable place for retirement into the tranquil arms of unending peace.”
The Dalai Lama said he will turn his back on the failure of Tibet once he finally overcomes how awesome it is that he became the Dalai Lama because he accidentally picked out the right combination of hairbrushes, cups and toys as an infant, an event which some claim he “doesn’t even remember”.
