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Editorial Religion Society Special Interest Status Quo

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

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Local News Society Special Interest Status Quo

Man's dreams fall into lap

Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.
American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals

“I was just staring out the window thinking, ‘Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.’ But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same,” said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.

Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. “Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein’, I just don’t know what I’ll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it’s all out there for me,” he said with a grin.

Jay Kenny said he’d already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. “Paper hits the door every mornin’. The songbird sings my favorite tunes,” he said. He went on to describe how he’d come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. “Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s insurance, water. With what’s left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I’ll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus,” he said, pointing to his dog. “I guess I might just write about that.”

Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. “I don’t like to ask no questions,” he said. “Something told me I’d be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I’ve got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that’s probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it’d all pay off eventually.” And it did.

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Entertainment Local News Special Interest Technology

Internet Relay Call fails again

Roanoke, Va.–The popularly abused text-to-voice communications system AT&T designed to allow deaf or mute people to talk via telephone has scandalously resurfaced. People who are either too poor or too lazy to keep up with a monthly phone bill also find the sit-on-your-ass-and-type convenience appealing. However, the internet took a turn for the worst today when Internet Relay Call failed as a person with functional vocal chords and eardrums attempted to place a call to a local friend, who was aware of the caller’s ability to speak and hear.

“The conversation began very rudely,” the call’s recipient explained. “First, I say hello, like I always do, and some jerk-off interrupts me asking if I know how to use his service. This isn’t like rocket science, or trying to pay a U-Scan machine at Wal-Mart. This is Internet Relay Call. Every educated heap of flesh this side of Hell knows how to use Relay Call. Anyway, he [the jackass at the phone company] kept talking and talking, so I said ‘yes, I understand’ to get him to shut up. He said nothing after that, and he wouldn’t even answer me when I tried to talk to him. I asked him, ‘what now?’ He just kept saying, ‘sir, we can’t be having this conversation; please say ‘go ahead’.” Astoundingly, the recipient said he repeated “go ahead” several times with no results until finally the communication collapsed and the recipient was forced to hang up, frustrated and humiliated. “I don’t know why he won’t just get a regular phone like everyone else.”

Due to abuse of both the free online service and its relay assistants, AT&T’s Internet Relay Calling will be permanently shutting down within the next nine days.