Category: Special Interest

These are not regular interests

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Entertainment Local News Special Interest Technology

Internet Relay Call fails again

Roanoke, Va.–The popularly abused text-to-voice communications system AT&T designed to allow deaf or mute people to talk via telephone has scandalously resurfaced. People who are either too poor or too lazy to keep up with a monthly phone bill also find the sit-on-your-ass-and-type convenience appealing. However, the internet took a turn for the worst today when Internet Relay Call failed as a person with functional vocal chords and eardrums attempted to place a call to a local friend, who was aware of the caller’s ability to speak and hear.

“The conversation began very rudely,” the call’s recipient explained. “First, I say hello, like I always do, and some jerk-off interrupts me asking if I know how to use his service. This isn’t like rocket science, or trying to pay a U-Scan machine at Wal-Mart. This is Internet Relay Call. Every educated heap of flesh this side of Hell knows how to use Relay Call. Anyway, he [the jackass at the phone company] kept talking and talking, so I said ‘yes, I understand’ to get him to shut up. He said nothing after that, and he wouldn’t even answer me when I tried to talk to him. I asked him, ‘what now?’ He just kept saying, ‘sir, we can’t be having this conversation; please say ‘go ahead’.” Astoundingly, the recipient said he repeated “go ahead” several times with no results until finally the communication collapsed and the recipient was forced to hang up, frustrated and humiliated. “I don’t know why he won’t just get a regular phone like everyone else.”

Due to abuse of both the free online service and its relay assistants, AT&T’s Internet Relay Calling will be permanently shutting down within the next nine days.

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Law Local Science Special Interest

Hold yourself hostage

It’s as easy as BCC: Barricade, Concoct, Communicate.

Barricade:

Pile all of your furniture up against your front and back doors, along with any other additional entrances to your soon to be Alamo. Bust apart whatever furniture is left and cover the windows with spare wood and upholstery. Pile all scraps in the middle of your main staging area. This is where you may have to die, so if you die among the trash, you can be scooped up along with everything else for easy delivery to the nearest landfill.

Concoct:

This is where you contrive your plans to hold yourself hostage. It is also the execution phase, so moving on, you come to realize holding yourself hostage is a really bad idea because basically you’re just threatening the police to kill yourself and there is really no ransom to be had at all, so you’re going to have to pretend like someone else is in the house with you.

Communicate:

Call the police. Tell them you have been held hostage by an enormous man named Manuell Elberto Gero, and he wants forty five hundred thousand dollars in exchange for your safe return to your now destroyed home which you are already in. Manuell doesn’t know English that well, but he is trying his hardest anyway and the police are convinced that he will either get his money or kill you trying. Should they drop a duffel bag full of currency into your ventilation system, you’re free to hide the money in an unplanned yet highly convenient hiding place that the police, for whatever reason, will fail to search when going through your home trying to find evidence of Manuell’s escape route. Should they attempt to intrude on your beautifully orchestrated scheme to defraud taxpayers of next year’s new project budget to bulldoze a park, you’ll be forced to set fire to the scraps and tinder you have thrown into the middle of your living room floor. Should your scrap pile not make a large enough pyre to set fire to the ceilings, you’ll be forced to kill yourself by whatever means most immediately snuff your life force before the S.W.A.T. team comes around the last corner to see you naked and alone on the telephone. This way, they will not know that Manuell was but a figment of your imagination created as a ruse to stiff some dimwits out of a few thousand dollars at the expense of your freedom, dignity and even your life.

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Health Local Society Special Interest Status Quo Technology

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