Category: Politics

A close look at celebrity corruption.

Categories
Local Politics

Why Hussein Is Fucking America

As we all know, Barack Hussein Obama has purposefully begun his career by attacking America’s core values and principles with his decree to allow baby-killings, gay marriages, and practice of Islam. This all makes sense insofar as Hussein is a leftist hippie freak who believes in Marxism, a synonym for evil. However, as an alleged American citizen, one would expect his destructive economic policies to be in conflict with his own ambition to rule the entire world. This is a very tough question posing itself in the mind of true Americans who voted for Sarah Palin. Why would you destroy your own seat of power, Hussein?

Well, I found a few answers on the Cavalcade of Conflictedness that were really helpful, but they do bear a little supplement. All these quotes are copywright Liz Smith, and will quickly be detected as plagiarism by Copyscape, even though they are credited quotes of public statements.

“He wants to kill the old people and have all the rest of us die like shoeless beggars in Africa with his useless UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PLAN” -LIZ SMITH

In Hussein’s mind, it is not fair that only Africans should die this way, America must be on equal footing with the third world. Because we have ignored the problems of peoples in the third world, Hussein wishes to punish us with the poor health care that the shoeless beggars he sprung from receive.

“He wants to roll out the welcome mat for the terrorists by reducing spending to protect our borders and ports.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein knows a thing or two about power gathering. If he wants to really rule the world, what he needs is another 9/11. Hussein doesn’t mind if a few million people die to an atomic bombing, so long as he gets to rule the world. Additionally, everyone knows Hussein is a sympathizer for the terrorists and probably an agent for Al-Qaeda.

“He is going to destroy the economy further by micromanaging the auto and energy industries to advance the radical agenda of these lying “green” Nazis.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein’s original plan to expropriate these industries for massive government profit has totally failed. Hussein has only been able to buy out majority shares in the auto industry without receiving any new kind of control at all. In a genius Public-Relations move, Hussein fired the manager of General Motors and changed nothing at all. Taking a page from Hussein’s playbook, his rival for world domination has publicly humiliated the chief Aluminum Oligarch of Russia. Putin has made a bold move by keeping the status quo even more intact, while scoring a Public-Relations grand slam. Vladimir Putin is such an awesome dude. The lying “Green” Nazis have been too busy gassing jews with poisons taken from America’s streambeds and riverbanks to comment for the Elf Wax Times. Our sources say the “Green” Nazis and Islamofascist Nazis have joined forces and are planning an imminent attack.

“Bailouts and gross spending of money that America does not have. He wants to break the backs of Americans for the next 75 years.” -LIZ SMITH

Poor people are easier to control when you’re taking over the world, and the quickest way to make people poor is to spend lots of money on them. This effectively makes money a worthless commodity that no one values and leads to communes full of hippies that support themselves in every way. These communes may be a part of Hussein’s plan to create terrorist camps right here in the United States. These camps will be answerable to Hussein’s hippie terrorist Czar, Bill Ayers.

The last reason, but not the least of reasons-in fact it’s the only reason that is clearly stated without the supplement I have provided-I have already explained. Vladimir Putin is a badass and Hussein wants in on it. Liz Smith might think this is idiotic, but I admire Hussein for his rabid ambition and hope he takes over the entire world within my lifetime.

“Fascism and Big Government looks cool to him…what an idiot.” – LIZ SMITH


Big government doesn’t look cool? Don’t say that to his face.

Categories
Health Law Local Local Politics Society

Noggin

Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.

No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:

WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?

Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:

§ 14-177. Crime against nature – North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.

“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one’s sexual partner.”

That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.

This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:

“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)

This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.

In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.

Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law.
There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.

This is insane!

After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.

Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:

http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/newseek.cgi?site=ctc&state=nc

Categories
Law Video

FBI DIRECTOR WINS WAR ON DRUGS

Washington, D.C.– In a harrowing defense of marijuana’s ongoing criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all drugs. Dopes on the list include meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN). “Alcohol,” he said, “is just poisonous enough in its own right to remain.”

Steve Cohen asked Mueller, “Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?” Mueller said he could not. That is when he employed the “gateway drug” argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers. And your granddad.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen’s embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:

Elf Wax Political Science Department analysis hails the FBI director’s clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana, calling it, “a classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere.”

Brian “Honeybee” Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse aficionado, said, “What’s more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with ‘pot’ or ‘grass’, or what is known scientifically as ‘The Devil’s Weed’ by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That’s hard-hitting evidence if I’ve ever seen it.”

Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.

The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen’s recent shameful thoughts found in CNN’s broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State’s ability to make every American’s personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.