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Chapter 1: The Mission

   On 12 April, 2025, The former North Atlantic Treaty Organization officialy repurposed their intials to become the current North Atlantic Tactical Organization. This made the organization an independent entity, controlling the entire Western hemisphere’s armed forces. NATO operated under UN order only. Once an attempt at a moderating peace assembly, The UN became more of a meeting grounds for grievances with MexiCanAmerica, at best. MexiCanAmerica’s representation at the UN permits them overwhelming voting and vetoing powers, and most of their actions are forever held up simply because enough western countries always vote with MexiCanAmerica.
   Former American, MexiCanAmerican, and now NATO special forces officer Liutenant Hugh Lombart thought he had seen it all. He was in an invisible unnamed military force of just more than a thousand. The force was comprised of many nationalities from all parts of the western world. Each soldier had received ‘offers’ to join in the mail, and ordered to assemble on Tangier Island in the Chesapeake bay, on the very day NATO changed its name. This was their first assembly.
   Hugh was middle-aged and had indeed seen more than his fair share of the worst scenes the world had to offer, during his long military career. And he knew, more than anyone, that the more power his boss had, the worse his missions would be. But he was really interested if MexiCanAmerica really had become as powerful as he thought.
   Hugh shuffled through the crowd of commandoes to the point where they were each to individually receive instructions, one by one, and through a computer prompt. The order had specified a house on the southernmost peninsula. A narrow strip of sand, only wide enough for 2 men to pass, battered on both sides for 100 yards stood between Hugh and the only computer terminal on Tangier Island. Yet it was full of commandos, fully geared and often just walking to their knees in water to get by. What a ridiculous fucking scene, Hugh thought as he swam his way around it with ease. He stepped on shore expertly at the very front of the line.
   “Hey, mind if I go ahead? My wife is pregnant, I want to go call her,” Hugh said completely unconvincingly.
   “Well, you did just totally submerge yourself in water right before a mission, so I believe you. Go ahead,” the stranger said. “I’m in no hurry.”
  The old Jedi mind trick. As the soldier before him left the small brick, windowless building, Hugh entered with a little more precaution than he usually would have in such a situation. There was one glaring white LED light bulb at the center of the fragile looking roof. On the opposite wall, Hugh saw a bundle of wires coming out of a hole that was maybe too large, and leading up to a flat screen in front of him. He closed the door behind him, per orders. Large letters printed “NATO” clearly and boldly. The Cray company had exploded in the past decade due to the massive restructuring of the Internet. Supercomputers were in huge demand, and Cray was happy to grow. Hugh touched the screen and a prompt told him to insert his International ID Card and provided an arrow pointing to the card slot. He inserted his ID card, and instantly an obviously pleased face appeared.
 “Hello Hugh, you can call me Nate. You will be going on a mission different from all my other soldiers, as I have selected you as the best. It’s the most important one of all, but I am sure if anyone can do it, you can.” the strange wheeling voice said. It wasn’t a totally unidentifiable strain of English Hugh had never heard before.
 “What do you mean if it can be done?” Hugh proposed.
 “Oh it will be done, whether you do it or not, but I know you will follow your orders regardless. You are to go to Washington D.C. and get further orders from the most powerful entity in the world.” Nate replied.
 “Who is that, the president?” exclaimed Hugh, following with a burst of laughter. The face paused for a second.
 “You will find out otherwise. You will be the first to, actually. I placed the address of your destination in the memory on your ID card. You must arrive there sometime within the next week. I have taken all precautions to keep the identities of the members of my service incognito, but I cannot foresee everything.” Indeed he had done well, a nuclear weapon could have gone off on Tangier Island that day, and no one would have ever noticed saved the crowd of soldiers and perhaps the face on the screen. With that, the NATO logo returned, and Hugh left the hut, and Tangier Island. He rather enjoyed walking through the ghost town that was Tangier that night, content to stay on that island and wonder about the strange mystery.
“Am I really the best soldier? What are they going to do with me?” and a fear came over him, for this was likely, from the start, to be the worst mission he’d ever been on.

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Experts Agree: Lakeland Girl Owned

Lakeland, Florida—Six malcontent teenage girls became popular yesterday – as per their goal, when they were filmed beating up best friend Victoria Lindsay and the video was subsequently uploaded to YouTube, a popular video sharing website on the Internet, a series of tubes used to connect telecom customers to a World Wide Web of pornography and jailbait videos such as this one.

In the video they can be seen increasing in popularity because you’re watching it.The victim is seen being beaten, punched in the face and having her head slammed heavily into a wall, all the while whining, screaming and complaining in astonishment that people would rise to a challenge.

Since filming the video, the popularity of the high school girl who slammed the victim’s head into the wall has soared tremendously, and even though the girls responsible for face detail could not clearly be seen throughout the entirety of the production, three of them are alleged to have “made some more friends,” whereas the female holding the camera has since received little public recognition for the reason that her face is visible only to the imagination.Throughout the journalism community, she is hailed for her courage in the line of duty and some photojournalists are citing this camerawoman’s badge of honor in place of any superficial fame; however, she has already expressed that the sacrifice of her own popularity is “worth it” in light of the purportedly higher popularity ratio of her friends, and the nationwide attention her video has received.

“I consider it a sacrifice to a good cause,” the teenager, who can not be named for legal reasons (but will be anyway) shared in an Elf Waxclusive Interview.“A lot of people take film seriously,” April Cooper explains, “but I just like filmin’ people gettin’ beat up on.”The mother of 14-year-old April “Fool’s” Cooper (as she’s now known in juvenile hall) feels differently. Mrs. Cooper expressed deep regret for her daughter’s actions when she heard she was to be tried as an adult, yet would gain little to almost no popularity at school.“It’s a God [dam] disgrace to social injustice inAmerica,” the woman exclaimed from within the bowels of her inaccessible trailer.“My daughter’s the reason that little strumpet’s famous, why ain’t we gettin’ no [royalties]?”

Expert anal lists have pieced together this composite sketch of what the heroic April “Fool’s” Cooper is thought to look like:

Forensic scientists say the steady gaze of a seasoned eye accounts for April’s natural ability to videotape violence.

The six females had two potent young men standing look-out in the front yard, “in case any do-gooders showed up,” says Mercades Nichols, one of the popular girls who beat upVictoria.Some thoughtful sympathizers have been leaving funny messages on Ms. Nichols’ phone which then got into the hands of Greta Van Sustren, a common whore who out of pity was given a primetime TV show onFOXNews.Also, plans could be heard through two separate voicemails, in which each male could be heard offering his services as a front-door bouncer, as long as Mercades “put out” (at which point each man promised courteously to “pull out”) – oddly enough, the same favor was requested by both men, indicating a premeditated scheme of cocktease and manipulation leading up to their shared duty as bouncers at the front door of a house where a 16-year-old girl was getting her ass kicked.

“When I showed up at the house, and I saw Zach [Ashley] there, I flipped,” says one of the unidentified boys.His name could not be obtained because he was “about to have a conniption.”

Elf Wax Update: the boy’s name has been confirmed as Stephen Schumaker.

It is believed that the beatdown issued to Ms. Lindsay was not unprovoked, however.Now surfacing are claims of alleged “MySpace drama”, involving name-calling and accusations that the assailants are “bustas” – a word indicating they would not fight Lindsay because “they are too scared.”One of the bulletins read as follows:“NUH UH THEM BITCHES AINT NO WHAT IM ABOUT WHAT THEY GON DO?WHAT THEM BUSTAS GON DOCUZTHEM BITCHES AINT SHIT [but] MOTHAFUCKIN NIGGA-ASS HOS!”In the hospital,Victoriawithdrew her remarks, citing a concussion and disabled vision as reasons for her spineless backpeddling.It is categorically assumed then, that it was not such a wise idea to publicly call out some trashy white girls with something to prove, because according toFOXNews, “their skin might be white, but their soul is blacker than night.”

Elf Wax Update [Editor’s Edition]: Truth-Time, Dear Readers, I fabricated the ALL CAPS LOCK quote used in the previous paragraph because I did not think I would have access to a real quote like it. Note: I completely made it up.

Here is the actual quote, taken straight from Mercades’ myspace bulletin: “TO ALL OF YOU HATIN BITCH ASS NIGGAS SENDING ME BULLSHIT HATE MAIL…FUUUCK YOU. ILL BEAT YO ASS TO! BRING IT BITCHES DONT BE JUST SAYIN IT! AND IF YOU GOT SHIT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER THEN FUCKIN SAY IT TO HER. SHELL KICK YOUR ASS TO!” My sincerest apologies; I was so far off the mark on this one.

All eight adults involved are being charged with assault, false imprisonment, or both while the minors await juvenile sentencing.Top lawmakers are now calling for the establishment of an anti-MySpace-whoring motion in connection to an eHarassment and eBullying bill already passing through Congress.The victim is reportedly being harassed via telephone, MySpace, and emails; however, her father welcomes the attacks because he lives vicariously through his ‘ghettofied’ (street slang for darkening) daughter in the perverted, piss-soaked panty-sniffing nightmare that his life has become.

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Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

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